They Had It Coming!
by Undead Ballerina
Summary: The ladies of Dragonlance finally get fed up with their men and perform their own version of Chicago's "Cell-block Tango"


He Had It Coming!  
  
[In the darkened recesses of the Abyss, a sultry woman in dragon-skin armor stands in front of a dimly lit stage…]  
  
Takhisis: And now, your favorite heroines would like to sing their own rendition of "The Cell-block Tango"  
  
All: He had it coming!  
  
He had it coming!  
  
He only had himself to blame!  
  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it,  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!"  
  
[A scowling woman with flaming red hair stomps towards the center of the stage, dressed in a shiny leather cat suit that looks like it should belong in Kitiara's closet.]  
  
Tika: You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like…Caramon. Caramon liked to drink dwarven spirits. No, not drink, CHUG! So one day I've had a hard day waitressing and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Caramon; lying in bed, scratching his gut and drinking. No, not drinking, CHUGGING! So I said to him, "If you chug that booze ONE MORE TIME…!"   
  
[Tika sighs theatrically] And he did. So I took the cross-bow off the wall and I fired two warning shots…Into his HEAD!!!  
  
[Stomping her high-healed boots to the beat of a merry peasant jig, the redhead continues to belt out the words]  
  
Tika: He had it coming!  
  
He had it coming!  
  
He only had himself to blame!  
  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it,  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
[The cleric of Paladine strolls up to center stage, wearing an obscenely skimpy white bikini, black hair teased and curled. The only thing remotely recognizable about her is that she still wears the medallion of Paladine around her neck]  
  
Crysania: I met Raistlin Majere from about two years ago. And he told me he wanted to redeem his dark ways and vanquish the vile Takhisis. And so I agreed to travel with him through time. I would brew him his tea, and help support him when he grew weak. And then I found out from Caramon… Redeem, he told me. Redeem, my foot! Not only was he just interested in becoming a god for power alone, but he plotted to leave me behind in the Abyss! So later that night, I fixed him his tea, as usual…You know, some men just can't hold their ARSENIC!  
  
[And with that, Crysania rips the Medallion off her throat and swings the chain wildly over her head as she begins to dance in a way that would make other priestesses faint with horror]  
  
Crysania: He had it coming! He had it coming!  
  
He took a flower in its prime  
  
And then he used it and he abused it!  
  
It was a murder but not a crime!  
  
[A grubby gully dwarf dressed in a frilly pink negligee at least four times too large for her scuttles up and gives Crysania a sharp kick to the kneecap]  
  
Crysania: Ow! Damn it!  
  
Bupu: You were in way!!! Now I standing in dump in Pitt, cutting bad stuff off food, minding own business. Up come Highbulp, very jealous. "You snuggle with Pretty Magician!", him say. Him was crazy and kept on yelling "You snuggle with pretty magician"! And then he ran into knife. He ran into knife two times…no more than two…THREE!  
  
[The pink-wearing disaster starts to shuffle and clap her hands as she attempts the chorus..]  
  
Bupu: He had coming! Yes, him had things coming!  
  
Him should have seen it…um…all along!  
  
If he had…listened…no, wait….  
  
What are words again?  
  
[Suddenly the entire stage begins to shake violently, causing the women to fall to the ground. A large silver dragon crashes through the back of the theatre and begins "singing" mournfully in a strange tongue…]  
  
Silvara: Araaag hiist grrraaar gr Gilthanas guuurag hraaaath mrak gr hrwwwl. Freeeerar Takhisis! Thraaas Hffft sssssluh zzzuffftak ARRRRRRRRGGH!  
  
Tika: Yeah, but did you do it?  
  
Silvara: NO! NOT GUILTY! THAT KLUTZ KILLED HIMSELF!  
  
[A tough-looking fighter with cropped black hair struts forward…wearing a chain mail slip that couldn't possibly provide any protection in battle]  
  
Kitiara: This metal bra is killing me…I used to adventure with Tanis and my brothers…and Sturm Brightblade came along with us. While Caramon was busy taking care of Raist, us fighters would go through a series of 21 different rigorous exercises. One…two…three…four… crunches…push-ups…full straddles…butterfly curls, one right after another. So one night, while on the road, we end up drinking a lot and performing Number 17…the full straddle! Then he told me he wanted to marry me and have 12 kids together. The next thing I knew I was washing his blood off my hands after a long battle. Kinda sad I got knocked up, anyway…  
  
[The lengthiest pause in the history of musical numbers]  
  
All:….They had it coming!  
  
They had it coming!  
  
They only had themselves to blame!  
  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it,  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
[A beautiful blonde elven maiden delicately steps forward. Her gown would be perfectly lovely…if it wasn't see-through AND she wasn't wearing sequined underwear beneath]  
  
Laurana: I loved Tanthalas Half-Elven more than I could possibly say. He was unlike any elf I had ever known. He was unusual, exciting…he could even grow facial hair. But he was always trying to find himself. So he left Qualinesti to learn about his human side…and on the way he found a loose warrior woman named Kitiara. I think we broke up because of conflicting views of life. He saw himself as alive…and I saw him DEAD!!!  
  
[The girls suddenly break into a wild fit of tap-dancing and phenomenally high kicks. Silvara merely happily sways her tail to the beat, knocking Laurana off the stage and into the orchestra pit]  
  
All: The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!  
  
They had it coming, they had it coming!  
  
They had it coming all along!  
  
'Cause if they used us and they abused us,  
  
How can you tell us that we were wrong?!  
  
Kitiara: Wait…what you do mean you killed Tanis?!  
  
Laurana: Urk! What's going on…?  
  
Crysania: I think she's had a concussion.  
  
Bupu: Me hungry…  
  
[FADE TO BLACK] 


End file.
